Characters:
Receptionist, female, Italian
Tourist, male, British
The receptionist is standing at reception. The tourist enters
Receptionist: Ah! Bongiorno!
Tourist: Pardon?
Receptionist: Bongiorno!
Tourist: Sorry. I don’t speak French. Do you speak English?
Receptionist: Che?
Tourist: Sprechen Sie inglese?
Receptionist: Ah! Inglese! Si! Good morning.
Tourist: Good evening.
Receptionist: Good evening. Welcome to the Hotel Splendido.
Tourist: Thank you.
Receptionist: (Looking at his shirt) Mama mia! Look at that!
Tourist: (Alarmed) What? Look at what?
Receptionist: La camicia!
Tourist: La camicia? Oh! You mean my shirt!
Receptionist: Yes.
Tourist: Do you like it?
Receptionist: No.
Tourist: No?
Receptionist: No. It’s horrible!
Tourist: I beg your pardon?!?
Receptionist: It’s horrible. But for you, it’s a good shirt.
Tourist: Thank you.
Receptionist: Because when people look at you, they look at the shirt.
Tourist: I know.
Receptionist: And that’s good. Because if they look at the shirt, they don’t look at the legs/trousers.*
Tourist: What?
Receptionist: And the legs/trousers* are really horrible.
Tourist: Now listen. I didn’t come here to be insulted. I want to book a room.
Receptionist: You want to book a room?
Tourist: Yes. Have you got one?
Receptionist: What? A book or a room?
Tourist: A room. Have you got a room?
Receptionist: Yes! We’ve got lots of rooms. It’s a big hotel.
Tourist: Yes, but have you got a room that’s free?
Receptionist: Free?!?
Tourist: Yes.
Receptionist: No. You have to pay for it!
Tourist: No! I mean – have you got a room with no one in it?
Receptionist: A room with no one in it?
Tourist: Yes.
Receptionist: No bed, no table?
Tourist: No, not a room with nothing in it. A room with no one in it. No people.
Receptionist: (Understanding) Ah!
Tourist: Finally….
Receptionist: I don’t know.
Tourist: Well, can you have a look in the book?
Receptionist: A look in the book?
Tourist: Yes. Have a look in the book!
Receptionist: OK. (Receptionist has a look in the book) I had a look in the book.
Tourist: And what do you think?
Receptionist: It’s a nice book.
Tourist: Look! Have you got a room or haven’t you?
Receptionist: OK! OK! (She looks in the book again) OK. We’ve got a room.
Tourist: Good.
Receptionist: A single room.
Tourist: No good. I need a double room.
Receptionist: Ah yes! For you and your shirt!
Tourist: No! I’m here with my wife!
Receptionist: With your wife? Where is she?
Tourist: (Looking around) I don’t know. She’s very independent.
Receptionist: (Looking in the book again) OK. We’ve got a double room.
Tourist: Good! How much is it?
Receptionist: How much?
Tourist: Yes.
Receptionist: (Indicating the dimensions) It’s about this long, and this wide, and this high.
Tourist: Not how big! How much!
Receptionist: Oh! Ten pounds.
Tourist: (Pleased) Ten pounds? That’s marvellous!
Receptionist: Ten pounds for you, ten pounds for your wife, and fifty pounds for the horrible shirt!
Tourist: Fifty pounds for the shirt! That’s ridiculous!
Receptionist: It’s a ridiculous shirt!
Tourist: Now you listen to me! I don’t like your attitude!
Receptionist: And I don’t like your shirt.
Tourist: Right! That’s it! I’m going to complain to the manager.
Receptionist: Complain to the manager? Why?
Tourist: Because you are the worst receptionist I’ve ever met in my life!
Receptionist: Thank you.
Tourist: Don’t you understand? If I report you to the manager, you’ll probably lose your job.
Receptionist: I don’t mind.
Tourist: You don’t mind?
Receptionist: No. I lost my job this morning. I don’t work here any more. I work at the hotel next door. Now – you come with me.
She takes him by the arm and moves towards the exit
Receptionist: I’ll book you a room in the hotel next door.
Tourist: But what about my wife?
Receptionist: She’s very independent, no?
Tourist: She’s very independent, yes!
Receptionist: OK. She can stay at this hotel.
They exit together
* Legs if the tourist is wearing shorts; trousers if he isn’t 