Scene: An army parade ground
Characters: Captain, Private Large, Private Small, Private Potter
The Captain and Privates Large and Small can be played by male or female actors. Private Potter is always played by a female actor. If the Captain is a female, ‘sir’ changes to ‘ma’am’.
Enter Captain, Private Large and Private Small, marching
Captain: Left, right, left, right, attention! Private Large!
Large: Sir!
Captain: Private Small!
Small: Sir!
Captain: Private Potter! (Silence) Private Potter!!! Where is Private Potter???
Large: I don’t know, sir!
Small: I haven’t seen her, sir!
Captain: (Shouting) Private Potter!!!!
Enter Private Potter, walking in a casual way
Potter: Here I am. Sorry I’m a bit late, I couldn’t find my cap.
Captain: Private Potter! Get in line! Left, right, left, right, attention!
Private Potter gets in line next to Private Small
Captain: Private Potter?
Potter: Yes?
Captain: Yes, SIR!!!!!!!/Yes, MA’AM!!!
Potter: Captain, you don’t have to call me ‘sir’. I’m a woman!
or
Captain, you don’t have to call me ‘ma’am’. I’m a private!
Captain: Private Potter! When you talk to me, you call me sir/ma’am!
Potter: Oh yes. Sorry, I forgot. What do you want … sir?
Captain: I want you to shut up and listen. Now … you’re in the army, right?
L/S/P: Right!
Captain: And in the army, there are some things you must do and some things you mustn’t do. Isn’t that right, Private Large?
Large: Pardon, sir?
Captain: In the army, there are some things you must do and some things you mustn’t do.
Large: Yes, sir.
Captain: Give me an example!
Large: I don’t know, sir!
Captain: Private Large?
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: You’re an idiot!
Large: Thank you, sir!
Captain: Private Small!
Small: Yes, sir?
Captain: Give me an example!
Small: An example of what, sir?
Captain: An example of something you must do in the army.
Small: Oh right, sir. Er …
Captain: Come on!
Small: You must get up in the morning, sir.
Captain: What?
Small: You must get up in the morning, sir.
Captain: No, that’s wrong. Correct him/her, Private Potter!
Potter: You mustn’t get up in the morning?
Captain: No!!! Private Large!!!
Large: Yes, sir?
Captain: Did you hear Private Small’s example?
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: It was wrong, wasn’t it?
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: Why was it wrong?
Large: I don’t know, sir.
Captain: Private Large?
Large: Yes, sir?
Captain: You’re still an idiot!
Large: Thank you, sir.
Captain: (Quietly – trying to make them understand) Listen … getting up in the morning isn’t just an army rule. It’s a rule for everyone. Everyone has to get up in the morning.
Captain: The rule in the army is this: you must get up at five o’clock in the morning. Isn’t that right, Private Large?
Large: Yes, sir!
Captain: Isn’t that right, Private Small?
Small: Yes, sir!
Captain: Isn’t that right, Private Potter.
Potter: Yes, sir….. but it’s stupid.
Captain: (Pause) What?!?
Potter: It’s stupid getting up at five o’clock in the morning. It’s too early.
Large: I agree, sir!
Small: So do I, sir!
Potter: Why can’t we stay in bed until seven o’clock?
Small: Or eight o’clock?
Large: Or lunchtime!
The privates discuss this animatedly
Captain: Stop! You have to get up at five o’clock in the morning because …
L/S/P: Yes?
Captain: Because we may be attacked by the enemy.
Large/Small: (Understanding) Aaaaah!
Potter: But that’s also stupid.
Captain: Also stupid?
Potter: Yes! If the enemy knows that we get up at five o’clock …
Large/Small: Yes?
Potter: They’ll attack us at four o’clock!
Large/Small: Oh yes!
Potter: So, if we stay in bed until twelve o’clock midday …
Large/Small: Yes?
Potter: The enemy will attack us at eleven o’clock.
Large/Small: Oh yes!
Potter: And that’s a much more sensible time to be attacked!
Large: I agree, sir!
Small: So do I, sir!
Captain: Stop! You have to get up at five o’clock in the morning.
Potter: But why?
Captain: Because it’s an army rule! Now … can anyone tell me something you mustn’t do in the army?
Small: Yes, sir!
Captain: (Pleased) Very good, Private Small. Give us your example. What mustn’t you do in the army?
Small: You mustn’t cross the road, sir!
Captain: Eh?
Small: When the little man is red, sir!
Captain: What?
Small: You mustn’t cross the road when the little man is red, sir!
Captain: What little man, Private Small?
Small: The little man on the crossing, sir. Like this.
Small demonstrates the little red man on the crossing
Large: He/she’s right, sir! You must wait until the little man is green, sir. Like this:
Large demonstrates the little green man on the crossing, moving legs
Captain: (Quietly) Private Large …
Large: Yes, sir?
Captain: You know I said you were an idiot?
Large: Yes, sir?
Captain: I was wrong.
Large: Thank you, sir.
Captain: You and Private Small are BOTH idiots!
Large/Small: Thank you, sir!
Captain: (Disbelieving) You mustn’t cross the road when the little man is red … do you really think that’s something you mustn’t do in the army?
Small: Yes, sir.
Captain: But that’s ridiculous! It’s like saying: You mustn’t eat your food quickly.
Small: Yes, sir. That’s another one, sir.
Captain: Look. You’ve got to understand the difference between army rules and general rules.
Large: General rules, sir?
Captain: Yes, Large.
Large: Does that mean ‘rules for generals’, sir?
Captain: No! There are some rules just for the army.
Potter: Can you give us an example, sir?
Captain: Yes, Potter. An example. You must never give information to enemy agents.
L/M/S: You must never give information to enemy agents!
Captain: Now, what have we learnt about the difference between army rules and general rules?
Large: Army rule – you must get up at five o’clock!
Potter: General rule – you can stay in bed all day.
Small: Army rule – you must never give information to enemy agents.
Potter: General rule – you can tell them what you like.
Captain: Right! It’s time for lunch.
L/S/P: Lunch! Hurray!
Captain: You can all go to the pub.
L/S/P: The pub! Hurray!
Captain: And don’t forget the most important rule of all.
Potter: What’s that?
Captain: You must all buy the captain a drink! Left! Right! Left! Right!
They all march off